Time for another existential crisis

I’ve been home in Augusta for three months, and all I felt lately is that I’ve been languishing, and wasting away. The first month was spent with a lot of fervor, getting my resume posted on job sites, and getting a few job offers, most of which were above my expertise, and some of which were a bit shady. The one offer I actually had a cursory interview with fell completely off the map, and since then the prospect of work has been slim.

But it’s not about employment that’s been bugging me the most. I’ve been wavering as to whether or not I’m cut out to make video games. I like playing them, analyzing how a design works (and doesn’t). But I’ve come to realize recently, that making games generally sucks, especially if you’re doing it by yourself. That was the whole reason I thought having a GGDA chapter in Augusta would be great. I’d get to work with fellow creative people who had some semblance of just how shitty it can be and also just how awesome it can be too.

I was wrong, but I’m not sure what it I’m wrong about. Whenever things don’t work out, I prefer to blame myself, always thinking that there was something else I could done better, that I should have known some important detail in advance, or spent more time preparing. Become the chapter president was not one of my goals, and despite the relatively small amount of commitment necessary, I’ll be resigning. No one interested, not really, or rather not enough for me to make the personal effort to connect. Combine this with my complete lack of social ineptitude, this is just not a great fit for me right now.

Along with that I’ve decided to not go back to school for a long as possible. I really don’t think it’s worth it just to finish my CS degree and I have no reason to look into anything else. I’ve had a few delusions of grandeur of somehow properly starting up an animation or game career program back at UGA, but I’ve safely tucked those away.

Right now I need to focus on getting employed, making moolah, as long as what I do isn’t illegal or immoral. So, starting today, I’ll be applying for part-time positions just about everywhere. I’ll start with 5 applications a day, and increase the number by 1 each week. I’ll also seriously look into working free-lance by looking at 1 freelance job a day.

As far as what I want to do with the rest of my life, yeah making games can suck a lot of the time. I haven’t written a single line of code for over a week on my current project, but I still think this is what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Okay, long post over…back to watching Ghostwriter!


About imaginationac

I make things with computers.
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